From Heero to Zero
by Amy Hirosaki
Summary: 1x0 Machinery, oneshot. Heero could have had it all, but by accepting he has a strange craving, he lost everything else.


From Heero to Zero.

Special thankies to: My wonderful not-so-official beta-er. Thank you very much!

WARNINGS: MACHINE X PERSON. If you don't like machinery-pairing or if you don't have the humor to see the sarcasm behind this fic, then please leave.

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing and characters.

* * *

"I am a freak."

I couldn't help but to talk out loud. No-one could possibly hear me, because I was sitting alone in my very boring living room of my very boring apartment. Well, I had left the door to the garage open -pretty much on purpose- so my effort in talking out loud was kind of planned.

Though I simply wanted to go to the garage, I couldn't help but to stay here in the living room. The only reason I ever bought this place because of the cool garage that was included, but that didn't mean I solely had to stay in the garage.

And perhaps that if I stayed here with the door open, my dear would hear me muse out loud 'accidentally'.

"I could have had it all. Everything I wanted, within my reach." I continued talking. People already think I'm a freak, so I didn't care if I was talking to thin air right now.

"I could have had Relena, you know." Right now I just _KNEW_ my dear was listening. I mean, I could see the dim light in the garage, which meant my dear had heard me. Yet instead of standing up, I continued musing. After all, my muses were here on purpose.

"I could have had her from the beginning. From the moment she stepped into my life, I could have had her. She cared about me, I could see that in her eyes. She saw I wasn't just an assassin, that I was –and still am- grateful for... she even gave me an invitation for her birthday party! ME. With all the people she invited, she wanted me to be there as well. Oh, I could have had her back then. If I hadn't ripped the invitation, if I HAD been decent to her, if I..."

I stopped for a moment. The dim light still came in the garage.

Good.

"It took me a while to realize what we could have had. It was too late when I realized this. Not because Relena didn't wait for me. No, it was because those little feelings I had for her were not relevant anymore. It was nothing compared to what I feel now."

The light got brighter, which resulted in my belly doing the usual flip-flop again.

"If only she knew about us."

Oh, rarely I got so emotional as right now. Perhaps it was the time of the year? Perhaps it was because the other day I had received a letter that said Barton didn't want to keep contact anymore? Or perhaps it was because Relena had called me this very morning, which had affected me greatly because no-one seemed to understand what I was going through.

My muse ended when the sudden memory from this morning sprang alive in my mind. Ahh, good old Relena with her good old misunderstanding towards my good new lifestyle.

'This morning' suddenly seemed only a minute ago, so freshly carved into my mind I wouldn't forget it for a long time.

* * *

OoO Flashback OoO

* * *

"Relena." I spoke up as I recognized her face on the telephone screen. She answered my recognition with a smile. 

It was little after 8 in the morning, almost time to start making dinner by choosing a sandwich or.. a sandwich. Of course it would be later in the morning from where she was, seeing the fact see was on earth, which I wasn't.

"Heero, long time no see." It was indeed a long time, and she hadn't changed one bit. Four years have gone by since the moment we said goodbye. Since the moment I promised to never kill again. She still looked the same, never a day older. Still the same sweet Relena.

Too bad she was still angry with me.

"How are you, Heero?" Ahh, good old Relena for not immediately asking what's on her mind. She wants me to relax a bit before rudely announcing how she thinks my life sucks.

"Fine," I said, then figuring out I could be more specific. After all, we haven't seen each other for a long time, "I have this apartment now, which is exactly the right size for us. And I have this great job." Okay. This wasn't true. My job wasn't 'great'. Cleaning plates in a cheap restaurant is not the definition of 'great', but it pays just enough to pay the rent of the apartment and the garage.

"Oh, it's wonderful to hear you're okay." Again said with a smile, yet this time also with little expectancy for an upcoming question I had to ask her.

"And you?" I asked her, only a little part of me interested in the answer.

"Me? I'm doing fine as well. I'm always busy nowadays with the congresses and events and stuff, but I enjoy every day in the end. It's.. It's great to do something for this world."

This time my mouth twitched up in a way Relena would probably call a 'smile'.

"You're doing great, Relena."

"Thank you." I got rewarded with a smile again. Behind me I could see a dim light from the garage-door, which I always leave open. Oh my, do I detect some jealousy?

"So Heero... you know, I hear-.. I heard you are still with-

"We're still together." I couldn't help myself but to snap even though she hadn't even finished her question. As I had guessed, she didn't merely call to ask about how life was going. And I was always right.

"Oh.. But didn't you say you live in an apartment-

"Garage included." My answers got shorter, because I knew where this conversation was going to. I have had these types of conversations with Winner, Maxwell and Barton as well. Though Chang and I never shared these arguments, I knew we didn't stand on one line. We just didn't have any contact at all.

"The garage?"

"... yes. The garage." Dare her have a comment about our garage where I spend days and nights in, working to make it a comfortable place to live. Where I put in a soft carpet –made by some rich carpenter who I had contacted via Winner's extensive web of friends-, enough radiators to actually make the place warm.. and enough toolkits to make my dear shine in happiness. It was the best place in the whole apartment.

"Heero, I didn't mean to make you angry, I just-

"Then don't tell me about it." I grunted back in response, suddenly having no desire anymore to hear more comments about my lifestyle. I think Barton's last letter made me so damn 'twitchy' –as Maxwell would call it- right now. I didn't want to hear anymore of this nonsense about how wrong my life was, and how they could help me to become 'better' again.

"Heero, please don't be this way. I know you think I don't accept your lifestyle, but that's wrong!"

"You accept my relationship with my dear?"

"Erm.. no.. Emm, I mean, I don't NOT accept it, but-"

"Bye Relena."

"Heero, I-" But it was too late for her. I had already cut off the connection. And just to make sure she wouldn't have the chance to call me back in the next few hours, I unplugged the telephone. I hardly got called these days, so it didn't matter if I was unreachable for a few hours.

And then I simply walked to the garage, where I spent the rest of the day in.

* * *

OoO End Flashback OoO

* * *

My muses ended when the dim light suddenly disappeared from the garage. Did I go too far with my muses? Honestly, I didn't want to upset my dear. I was only musing! 

With a little grunt I stood up from the seat in my livingroom and made my way to the garage. My dear had deserved some attention, because it has been so good to actually put up with my mindless muses.

When I made it to the garage, the first thing I did was to put on the lights that were set up to create a nice atmosphere and not the one that were set up to work with. Those lights were dimmer than the usual lights, but it created a nice and homely atmosphere. Perfect.

The whole garage was lit within a second, though the corners were still a bit dark. I guess that's what happens when you have only hung up 20 lights yet you had to create a whole underground hangar to place your love in. Credit for that goes to the minister who thought of the law to make every MS an illegal one.

Such a stupid law. My dear hasn't seen the daylight in 4 years now, only because I didn't want my dear to be captured. At some days, my beauty is extremely difficult to control. Without me, my dear would be molested into carcasses for nowadays racecars, the useless parts would be melted into a few thousand cans for coke and the weapons would end up in a museum.

That's why I'm grateful I have successfully hidden my dear for all these years. I know I couldn't live with the fact my dear would be the container of coke, every day being touched by thousands of unworthy people. Oh, the horror.

And as if my dear could read my mind, which I'm almost sure of, eyes lit up again, spreading the dim green light through the garage.

My belly flip-flopped again.

I made my way down the stairs, never losing eye contact with my beautiful dear. Such beauty! No wonder it has been forbidden since the war ended, though the minister obviously had other reasons for not wanting to see an MS every again.

Stairs paved the way for carpet, the softness of it could even be felt right through my shoes. It had cost me a fortune, but luckily I had saved something from the war. Of course most of that money had been used to keep my dear happy in here. This was my dear's place, kingdom... and my dear had shared it with me from the beginning.

When I stopped right in front of my dear, I couldn't help but to look up in pure awe. Such fierce beauty! How could anyone not admire my dear? Why can't anybody see the wonder and pure splendor in front of me? And why does Relena think this little piece of perfect beauty is bad for me?

"My excuses for musing." When I finally found back my voice, this was the first thing I could come up with. My dear had deserved an apology. My muses were not really nice to listen to.

The light got a little bit greener, which meant my dear had accepted the apology. But I knew I had to explain a few things, thus I kneeled down slowly, never looking to something else but my dear. I trusted my dear like I have never trusted someone else. People around me think I am mad, for trusting something like my dear..

"My dear, my beauty.. I miss my friends." My voice got softer, though I was sure my dear was still hearing me. And suddenly, in a wave of emotions, I poured out my heart to my dear.

"Relena called me this morning.. I knew she would never accept us, but I silently hoped she would tell me she was okay with us." My hands formed fists when I remembered the last conversation again and again. That stupid conversation, still etched in my mind, carved in my soul. I had always expected Relena not to accept us, but to actually hear it... well, technically I didn't hear her say she didn't accept us. It was more the look in her eyes when I told her about the garage.

"I wanted her to ask me if she could visit me sometimes... none of my friends ever visit me nowadays." It was true. Relena was the first friend I have seen in the past 2 years. I have received letters from the others, but never saw their faces. I guess they are ashamed of what I've become.

"No-one ever calls me.. Am I that crazy to talk to?" Barton had written that in his last letter. He wrote that I was crazy, and that I should have destroyed my dear when I was given the chance.

I haven't written Trowa back since then.

"It's not only Relena.. it's everyone. All my friends don't want to be my friends anymore." I sighed, looking to the carpet beneath me. My dear stayed silent, which I was grateful for. I always need a little time to think about what I'm feeling. It's who I am. Luckily my dear understands that, and gives me the space I need.

"Barton.. Trowa doesn't want to see me anymore. He wrote that in his last letter," I stopped for a moment, looking up to my dear again, "I wish Trowa would call me to ask if he could be my friend again.. He has been such a good friend."

And not only Trowa. I wanted all my friends back. Relena, Trowa, Wufei..

"I wish I could hear Wufei's voice again." He hadn't spoken to me after New-year's eve 4 years ago. Was I so disgusting? Was I so wrong he just didn't bother to call me ever again? Just between you and me, I thought Chang would understand my feelings the most, because he also had a strong bond with his Gundam. He even renamed the Gundam, yet he didn't understand when I told him I was in love with my dear.

And don't forget Quatre.

"Quatre always seemed to understand everybody around him. Yet when I told him about you, my dear, he turned around and never looked back at me anymore. He gave me a few leaflets of psychiatric institutions, and then never bothered to contact me again." The first time I got those leaflets I ripped them up and threw them away. When the leaflets kept on coming with notes saying 'this is the best for you' I kept a few. Just as a reminder that my friends still know who I am, and that they still haven't forgot me completely.

Last, but not least, Duo. Good old Duo. Even he let me down.

"I wish Duo would visit me.. He said he would, until he heard of you." After he heard, he had said he had 'some really big and important thing to do on L2', so he couldn't visit me back then. I waited, and then waited some more, but Duo never called me again to ask if he could visit.

And to think I had planned to do something fun, just for the 3 of us. He, me, and my dear. Back then I was still naive, and had thought it would make the bond between Maxwell and me even stronger if I let him do something together with my dear.

Somewhere I think that was the point I made a mistake.

I thought all my friends would understand my feelings, and that they would accept it. I thought they would understand my problems, and they would help me find a place to hide you, my dear, so the rest of the world couldn't do anything wrong to us.

They never did.

They ignored me, broke all contact, wrote me letters bundled up with addresses of psychiatric institutions, or nothing at all.

"And I could have had it all." Was my conclusion. I could have had a girl- or a boyfriend, friends, a normal life, a happy life..

"Though I could never leave you in a million years." I stood up, walked over to my dear, spread my arms as far as I could, then wrapped them around my dear's left foot.

"I love you, Zero." I whispered, holding on for what seemed like forever.


End file.
